I think all owners of Nissan Armadas should be tied up, hauled by their disgustingly huge SUVs into the Kalahari and made to live there on nothing but pickles and clam juice for the rest of their sad, insecure little lives. I really hate Nissan Armadas.These are the following reasons I hate the Nissan Armada:

1. They are huge gas-guzzling pieces of crap. They can’t fit into parking spaces, look douchy, and block out the sun.

2. Again, they are gas-guzzlers. Of all the 2010 models the highest city mpg is 12. The lowest is 9 mpg. The highway rates aren’t much better with the highest at 18 and the lowest at 13. It’s digusting how many I see on the road. Every time, it’s a little HUGE reminder that there are people out there that LITERALLY don’t give a crap about the health of this planet, AT ALL.

3. They are named “Armada”. This is actually the initial reason I hated these stupid tanks. How is it appropriate or ok to name an SUV a name that conjures up images of colonialism, imperialism, militarism, arrogance, religious narrow-mindedness, disrespect and douchbaggery?

4. Every time I have encountered one of these on the road, they are driven by one of the following:

a) a white soccer mom who probably thinks this monstrous vehicle will protect her and her precious angels from when they are driving through the “ghetto”.

b) a young man, also known as a sleazy douchbag, who drives an Armada, because he thinks it will get him “all the bitches”.

c) a middle-aged man with a large beer gut wearing sports wear because at his frat house in college that’s what all the guys wore when they weren’t wearing polo shirts and pleated khakis.

5. They are actually ugly vehicles. They don’t have a nice shape–they look like cross-over SUV that got a last minute butt extension. I mean look at this picture. Extra butt.

Reasons You, my glorious readers, should also hate the Nissan Armada:

1. For all the reasons I mentioned above.

2. For the safety of all drivers every where.

3. Every known “armada” in history, HAS FAILED. Doesn’t bode well for the future, now does it?

4. Every known “armada” in history was from a colonialist or imperialist power. Including the US, which has several ships named “armada”. And if you don’t think the US is an imperial power (neo-imperialist, imperialist, etc etc), we need to talk.

5. This car panzer, is the epitome of the American stereotype, which isn’t helpful for anyone.

Basically, I REALLY hate Nissan Armadas.

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